It’s 3:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. For whatever reason I have this incessant need to write this blog post. So, I’m going to do just that. I don’t really know where it’s going to go or what exactly I’m going to say in the end, but here’s hoping it’s readable.
There’s no denying that 2020 has been one hell of a year. Or more accurately it’s just been a year of hell. At the beginning of the year, I was more sure and confident in my future than I had been a very long time. I had a very good understanding of where I wanted to be in the next couple of years and how I wanted to get there. I was going to make 2020 one of the best years of my life. At the time of New Year’s, I was living in Shanghai, China and I was going to have as many experiences there as possible. I wanted more than anything for my time in Shanghai to mean something. I wanted to give myself the time and space to figure out what exactly that was going to be. But everything has since been changed.
While I struggled in the first couple of months of the year to understand how lost I was feeling, I found that I was unable to do so. I was unable to fully understand the feeling of loss that I had surrounded myself in, even if it wasn’t on purpose. I haven’t allowed myself to truly be upset about the fact that so much of my life I have now changed even when I did not want it to. Lately, however, I have been taking the time to really understand how lost I have been feeling. Even more so, I have been allowing myself to feel okay with feeling lost.
I have allowed myself to feel lost in everyday moments. I have allowed myself to feel lost in what is to become of my future. I have allowed myself to feel lost in how I go about forming and nurturing my relationships. And more than anything, I have allowed myself to understand that feeling lost is not a character flaw for me. Instead of it being what brings me down, I have worked to allow it to become what brings me joy and contentment and happiness.
Mind you,I am not someone who likes to be lost. I like to have a certain amount of planning done for my future. As much as I like to be spontaneous, I also like to understand what my next steps are going to be. I am an extremely ambitious person and that could be the Aries in me. I am not someone to sit still. I am the kind of person that always wants to work my way up. But 2020 has really forced me to see that I could be all of these things and more but also be completely lost.
I remember how much stress I used to put on myself because I didn’t get the LSAT score or I didn’t get that job or I didn’t get to move to the country. I used to become incredibly stressed because I didn’t have a career by the time I was 25. I would stress myself out because I wasn’t living in New York City like I had always planned by the time I would be 30. There were so many things that I wanted in my life and I only gave myself a certain amount of time to get there. 2020 has made me realize that that is not always the best thing for me.
That’s something that I want to make very clear: this isn’t a post about anyone else but me. These are all of the things that I have had to work out for myself and no one else. Again, I am very much an Aries in the sense that I can be selfish and look out for myself when I need to. Obviously, I don’t believe that that is a bad thing because it’s allowed me to get where I am but I digress.
And I think for now on and the post on that note. Not really sure if any of this made sense or if any of this resonates with people. At the end of the day, this blog is for me. I love seeing how I grow as a person and I find this to be a really big part of my self growth.