This year has been hell. There’s no other way to describe how eveything happening in this year has been a whirlwind in the worst way possible. We began the year so incredibly hopeful and everything was dashed when the pandemic began. There was no way to know how it would change our entire world. Not only did I end up having to stay in the US when China closed the borders, and I thought I would take it in stride. I was hopeful, still, that things would improve and it would all get better. But that didn’t happen.
I’m an incredibly optimistic person and I didn’t think anything would get me down. June, however, changed everything. In a way, it destroyed some of the optimistism I’ve had. In early June, my Nana ji (maternal grandfather) became sick. He was taken to the hosptial and then as the weeks progressed, his got better and then worse. At one point he was in the ICU but he got better. We were estatic because he was taken off the ventilators and almost taken out of the ICU. Something changed, though, and on June 21, 2020, he passed away.
We all know that people pass away. We know that we will all meet death. But no one truly prepares you for all of the complex feelings when somone close to you passes away. We know that many immigrants to this country leave their families behind for a better life. We know that it’s painful as hell to not see our loved ones often. But there is a level of heartbreak that comes from not being able to see our loved ones in a time we want to be no where else.
If there wasn’t a pandemic going on, I don’t think all of us could have gone to see him before he left us. This pandemic, however, changed even that. My mom couldn’t go at all because India closed its borders and that level of devestation was one that none of us knew how to handle. There is some sense of relief because we were able to say goodbye. We all got his blessing before he left us and that’s something I will hold on to forever.
I thought, of course, that this would be something I could write my feelings through. Words, I thought, could help me navigate this news. But 2020 has other news. The day after my Nana ji was cremated (we are Hindu), I found out that Disney English, the company I work for in China, was closing its doors and I was out of a job. I was hoping that this would be my esacpe from my grief but it added even more to it.
I haven’t been this down in a very long time. It’s been a very difficult time. When I become sad about my Nana ji, I think that I have my life to look forward to in China. We got our love for travel and photography from him and I knew that he’d want me to live my best life. I’d then remember that I didn’t have a job and near the end of July, I wouldn’t have my visa to go back to the country.
Now, I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. Do I want to go back to China? Do I want to try and find another place to live in? Should I just stay in the US, save money, and figure out what my next will be? Should I take the news as a sign that I needed to do something new?
This is what has been happening for the past month in my house. I’m not really sure what to do next and I decided that I needed a break from posting on this blog. It has been such a rough time for me and I don’t know much of anything. I don’t know when I’ll go back to posting on this blog but for now, I hope this works.
There will be change happening but I don’t know much of what that’s going to be.